[OPINION]Beyond Margins I: When Stupidity Cured My Fears

The scenario will always be like this: when the dusts are settled, uncertainties will eventually seep in.






When I first heard my name being called as the new literary editor I was very happy. Who will not be, when you finally reached one of your dreams right? Preparation for the coming days is smooth sailing until I realized; part of the job is also doing an opinion column. I am now tasked to write what’s going on around my mind every now and then. Being a blogger for almost four years now, strangely, I felt I can’t do it. I doubt my capabilities to write something that will be good enough to be called as an opinion column. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt my personal beliefs. I doubt if I can entertain or inspire at least someone.

It’s like when a person who used to speak only in front of few people was suddenly standing in front of a huge crowd to give a speech. What will I write? What if I write something that I’ll regret afterwards? What if my thoughts hurt someone? What if I made a mistake?

The dusts were gone and there goes a marching band of uncertainties. Wait, let me erase that one. Uncertain is an understatement. I was not uncertain. I was afraid.


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Few weeks after, ‘afraid’ became an understatement too.

Sunday, June 2 2013 at around 7:30 in the evening, I was riding an almost empty jeepney home-bound. Since I easily forget things, and that includes innocently forgetting to pay fares(emphasis on ‘innocently’), I promised myself quite some time ago that every time I ride a jeepney I will pay immediately once I am comfortably sitting as a passenger. That evening was an exception. How I wished it is not, because when I finally remember my promise and knew I almost forgot to pay again, I realized that I left my wallet at the university which is by then, around 2 kilometers away from where I am already.

I got off the jeep knowing that the driver was very doubtful if I really forgot my wallet or I’m just a regular passenger who mastered the art of doing “1-2-3”. I found myself standing all by myself along the poorly-lit McArthur Highway, with tall grasses by the dark sidewalk, without someone to ask for help, not even a peso in my pocket, and having the urge to hit myself for being too stupid. It only took a matter of seconds for me to know, that night will surely be long and unforgettable. It only took a matter of seconds to cry due to frustration. It only took a matter of seconds for me to feel the huge wave of fears. A long walk alongside a familiar street way back home is not new for me. But long walk along a strange highway is. Yet, I decided to do it since I can’t rely on anyone else but me.

An hour later, I reached BulSU, telling the guard that I forgot my wallet and silently hoping he will accompany me inside since it was very late and the university was almost deserted. Also, according to them Law Building has its own share of creepy stories. But he didn’t grant my silent wish. I was forced to go on my own. Again, I was afraid. I was very scared while I’m walking in, getting upstairs, heart beating fast and loud music to distract me. But maybe, due to everything that happened, I’m too drained to think anymore that moment. All I wanted was to get my wallet, go home, sleep and when the morning comes, I’ll just remember everything and laugh.

28 days after, here I am, still laughing while I remember that night.


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Yes, it is true that when the dusts are settled, uncertainties will always seep in. But it doesn’t end with that. We have to end uncertainties by moving, by risking to know what the next thing to happen, for the reason that if we will be stuck in our state of being afraid, if we let our fears eat us up, then we have nowhere to go anymore.

Thousands of years ago, nobody thought human can reach the moon. It took almost half a century before our country moved to be free from the Spaniards. It took almost 19 years for me to learn how to ride a bicycle. My father must be right; it is very easy for us to think we can’t instead of thinking how we can.

We fear negative things and that’s normal. Yet, most of the time, we focus on those negative thoughts that we forget that there will always be two sides of the coin. We may be rejected but there’s also a possibility of us being accepted. There will be a lot of “No” to come, as well as a lot of “Yes”. The result can be worse, but it also can be better.

I fear writing an opinion column. But I am more afraid to the thought of failing to do my responsibility. Now I’m doing something to move ahead those fears. I write.